I am the Walrus

I’ve gained like ten pounds since November (and no, it’s NOT because I’ve quit smoking because I haven’t so don’t even ask) and I’m annoyed with myself. I do pretty well all day, eating balanced, whole foods. And then, come 7pm, I break out the cheese. Or the baked chips. This might be alright if I ate, like, the serving size. But the serving size is nine chips. Nine. What the fuck? Do you eat nine chips? I cannot even comprehend such a thing.

And so, last week, I couldn’t get on a pair of my favorite jeans. They wouldn’t even go over my thighs. I looked in the mirror, seeing my thigh flesh all squenched up over the waistband of the pants. Groaning, I yanked them off and threw into the corner of my room. They’ll remain there until I’m able wear them, although I’m trying to change my attitude about it.

I’m mean to myself. I think that most of us are mean to ourselves. I initially left those jeans there as punishment for being such a fatass. To remind me, whenever I put on a pair of  pants a size larger, that I have become utterly disgusting.

It’s not healthy. It’s not good thinking.

Today though, as I stood in front of the mirror, observing the racing thoughts that berate and beat down, I stopped. I ceased the thinking and looked at myself and mumbled aloud, “Be gentle with yourself.”

It’s quite possibly the cheesiest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I mean, seriously? Self affirmations in the mirror? That’s weird, even for me. But in that moment, I needed it. It made me feel ok. Better. I looked in the mirror without even a hint of self loathing, and that… is a rare thing.

Compassion for the self must come before/with compassion for others. Judgement is judgement, whether we’re abusing others or our own minds. So that’s it for tonight, y’all. Be nice to yourselves.

Peace, Love, and Put it in the Pantry with Your Cupcakes

"Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world." Tao Te Ching

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9 Comments

Filed under Buddhism, food

9 responses to “I am the Walrus

  1. Fawn

    Boy, I can really relate to this! My girlfriend and I are motivating each other long distance- which is a shit show in and of itself. I don’t think there are any easy ways around this topic and the gentleness might be the ONLY way to actually deal. Thanks for the “self- check-yo-self”.
    Fawn

  2. Just found your blog, had to read like the last ten because they were all really good. A couple made me laugh so hard I cried. I look forward to reading more.
    I can totally relate to that walrus feeling. Am feeling that today, big fat blobby fatness everywhere. Hubby must have sensed my fat anger because I got more hugs today than usual.

  3. Jamie

    I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!

  4. Dan

    I can only say Ku Ku Ka Choo (which I hope is found somewhere in the Beatles song I am the Walrus). Be gentle onyourself kind lass. Body image is all in the head….I’ve been shopping at the husky boys shop since I was five…..but think I look pretty smoking naked (not in a speedo mind you….nude, naked, no clothes). Those who know me, feel free to object…I dont’ care, got my next naked day already on the calender!

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