I’ve gained like ten pounds since November (and no, it’s NOT because I’ve quit smoking because I haven’t so don’t even ask) and I’m annoyed with myself. I do pretty well all day, eating balanced, whole foods. And then, come 7pm, I break out the cheese. Or the baked chips. This might be alright if I ate, like, the serving size. But the serving size is nine chips. Nine. What the fuck? Do you eat nine chips? I cannot even comprehend such a thing.
And so, last week, I couldn’t get on a pair of my favorite jeans. They wouldn’t even go over my thighs. I looked in the mirror, seeing my thigh flesh all squenched up over the waistband of the pants. Groaning, I yanked them off and threw into the corner of my room. They’ll remain there until I’m able wear them, although I’m trying to change my attitude about it.
I’m mean to myself. I think that most of us are mean to ourselves. I initially left those jeans there as punishment for being such a fatass. To remind me, whenever I put on a pair of pants a size larger, that I have become utterly disgusting.
It’s not healthy. It’s not good thinking.
Today though, as I stood in front of the mirror, observing the racing thoughts that berate and beat down, I stopped. I ceased the thinking and looked at myself and mumbled aloud, “Be gentle with yourself.”
It’s quite possibly the cheesiest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I mean, seriously? Self affirmations in the mirror? That’s weird, even for me. But in that moment, I needed it. It made me feel ok. Better. I looked in the mirror without even a hint of self loathing, and that… is a rare thing.
Compassion for the self must come before/with compassion for others. Judgement is judgement, whether we’re abusing others or our own minds. So that’s it for tonight, y’all. Be nice to yourselves.
Peace, Love, and Put it in the Pantry with Your Cupcakes