I just woke up in the worst.mood.ever. I’m finally heading out to Winston-Salem this morning, and I’m fighting myself on the annoyance I feel on that. The vibrating buzz of my mobile woke me, and I was instantly pissed off. Who texts at 8 AM? I threw my phone and immediately felt contrite because that’s just a shitty attitude. Shittier because I sheepishly checked my phone history, and juuuust yesterday, I sent the following texts before, oh, 7:30:
Exhibit A: You at home?
Exhibit B: Hey. I’m gettin soccer junk todayaaaaaaa!
Exhibit C: Get up and bring me some coffee, ya prostahtution whore.
Realizing my annoyance is obviously misplaced, I made some coffee. While I work on feeling a little less homicidal, here’s the blog I wrote last night about spiritual solutions (wahahaaahaha):
I took notes at tonight’s NA meeting. I haven’t been to one in about a week, not for lack of want, but because life has been crazy hectic. While I’m learning that I need a meeting the most when the chaos is peaking, I’m a slow, stubborn pupil. Lately, when I go I seem to hear precisely what I need to hear at that particular moment. It’s nothing short of a spiritual experience, revealed to me through imperfect humans.
For the first time in many, many months, I’ve rather sanely, competently handled a number of difficult situations. And my friends and family continue to badger the hell out of me about whether or not I’m, “really ok.” I think their fear is justified, coming from knowing the ‘using’ me, and that person vacillated between two states of being: numb and manic.
Now, I’m learning to deal with life on life’s own terms. You know — like normal people live. It’s one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. That’s all I can do, and I’ll profess to do no more. I’m calm in sobriety and at least somewhat more able to field the slings and arrows of fucking outrageous fortune.
What I’m most grateful for today, I think, is a growing ability to find spiritual solutions to gross situations. I’m coming to understand that it’s not really people, places or things that shape my character – it’s how I look at those people, places or things that move me toward better or worse.