I Beg Your Unbelievable Pardon

For the second day, I’ve made lunch for the Kaiser to take to school. This is obnoxious for several reasons:

  1. I pay for lunch. It’s included in the tuition. And no, they can’t deduct it from our fees. I haven’t asked, because I’ll feel like a cheap, snotty asshole. “Errr, yeah. Your bah-bah-que chicken isn’t pleasing to my dahling’s sensitive palate. Can we please get a $50 deduction in our cost?”
  2. This is a sure sign of a high-maintainance future. You know the Kaiser is not going to agree to ride the bus. How utterly pedestrian. I blame the Husband.
  3. I often make sandwiches for dinner because I’m lazy and I like sandwiches, too. Now, if I make the little monkey a sandwich for lunch, I’m pretty sure I cannot justify another one for the last meal of the day. Which means the kid is gonna be eatin’ a fuckin’ ton of Easy Mac.
  4. No one wants to wake up and cut crusts. As a mother, am I obligated to do this? I don’t think so. No more. What IS that? There’s nothing wrong with the crust. I like the crust. It’s your responsibility, as a human being, to learn to like the crust. It’s what we do. Grow up.

If I don’t send lunch, though, the kid won’t eat. He says the food is gross. It probably is. He doesn’t eat meat.  And yeah, I know he’s not going to starve, but don’t even tell me that it’s acceptable for a three-year old to skip lunch. I mean, it’s not like he’s an ex-smoker trying to cut calories.

Disapproving Rabbit

My bra is sequined and a size too small.

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5 Comments

Filed under food, Raising Kids

5 responses to “I Beg Your Unbelievable Pardon

  1. Why would you be wearing a sequined bra that’s too small for you? Or was that the bunny talking. I’m confused.

    Plus, are you vegetarian? If you ain’t, tell the Kaiser to buck up and do his manly duty and eat some friggin’ roasted animal flesh. If you are, ignore the last sentence.

    Oh, and if you’re not vegetarian, ignore the second-to-last sentence, ’cause you can’t tell a 3-yr old a damn thing anyway.

    Bummer, dude.

  2. Why isn’t there an option for vegetarian meals?
    You could lobby for one, that is trendy enough not to affect your reputation in a bad way.

    Apart from that a sandwich can be just as nutricious as any other meal if you put a bit of thought into it.
    ( A quick google check tells me there are over 15 million sites with the healthy sandwiches)

  3. Just send a jar of Jif and a spoon. Easy peasy. And cheap. Or better yet…doesn’t the school have any alternatives, like pb sandwiches? Is that asking too much? Is it? Is it?! Well….

    That bunny was pretty dang freaky. Dude. Where do you find such horrors?

  4. Claire

    Kathy’s idea is a pretty good one. You pay them to feed your kid. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask them to feed him healthy things.

    The disapproving rabbit is awesome. And perfect.

  5. This is why I don’t have kids. They would be growing up and writing tell all books about how I made them eat gross school lunches (hey, they were good enough for me!) and wouldn’t cut the crusts off their sandwiches (you don’t like the crust, figure out how to tear them off).

    However, if you want to pack him lunches, could you pack him something besides sandwiches? Like maybe some veggies (celery and carrot sticks) w/ some dip and some string cheese or something similar for protein? That way you can still have sandwiches for dinner and there’s no pesky crust issue to deal with in the morning.

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