Happiness…. is a Quiet Ride (Ooh, Ooh, Yeah)

I asked Karen if I could pick up Hayden today. The Kaiser has been driving me up the wall, and honestly, what’s another kid in the house? It’s my job to make sure the little gremlins don’t maim each other. Beyond that, I stay out of their way.

The Kaiser: You see that troll bridge?
Hayden: What toll bridge?
The Kaiser: Not a toll bridge. A troll bridge.
Hayden: A toll bridge?
The Kaiser: No. Nooooooooo. No.

The troll bridge

You see that? No, cause you're being weird.

Hayden: I didn’t see it.
The Kaiser: It was a troll bridge, right over der.
Hayden: A toll bridge.
Me: Oh, Christ.

Happiness is a warm gun.

The Kaiser: You want a train?
Hayden: Nah.

Viva La Train, dummies.

The Kaiser: Hayden.
Hayden: Yeah?
The Kaiser: Hayden.
Hayden: Yeah?
The Kaiser: You want a train?
Hayden: Nah.

Your mother is a hamster.

The Kaiser: Mommy. Mommymommymommy.
Me: Yeah?
The Kaiser: Hayden say he don’t want a train. Mommy!
Me: I know. Trains are your special thing, Cole. Not everyone worries about trains.
The Kaiser: But I worry about trains.
Hayden: I saw the troll bridge.

Fuckin' rad, innit?



Filed under Raising Kids

15 responses to “Happiness…. is a Quiet Ride (Ooh, Ooh, Yeah)

  1. CWK

    that made me laugh and my brain hurt at the same time!
    children confuse the hell out of me

  2. Oh my! Crazy little buggers, yet we still feel the need to reproduce why? Because they are SO cute when they’re sleeping.

  3. Oh my…oh my…ah…ah…ah…achoo! I laughed so hard I choked on all the saliva and then sneezed. Ya. It happens.

    Dude, you have a gift. Funniest thing ever.

  4. The best part of that story? The fact that you thought to capture the moment with photos. And your expression.

    Awesome. 🙂

  5. sarafraser

    @CHW – They are brain damaged. Parents don’t understand ’em either.

    @Courtney – It’s always entertaining.

    @Carol – Ha. I’m just thankful to have such stellar material.

    @Simon – I’m glad you liked it. I hate posting ugly pictures, man, but sometimes it’s unavoidable.

  6. I’ve never laughed so hard.!!!

  7. Troll bridge is on par with “Wii-mote” in cuteness level. I just want to keep saying it over and over again.

  8. Melanie Sherman


    Does every city have a troll bridge?

    I scrolled slowly, so I didn’t see your picture until the best possible moment. Priceless.

    But now I’m really, really interested in the troll bridge.

    • sarafraser

      The Kaiser’s father was the first to deem the bridge a “troll bridge.” In actuality, it is a regular bridge, wooden and connecting two banks of a rather shallow ditch. On a golf course.

  9. Karen

    Oh. My. God. I just saw this! – Love my kid dude. You know he says to me sometimes:
    Mommy you like trains?
    Yeah Hay, trains are ok.
    Mommy Cole like trains
    Yeah Hayden I know.
    Mommy Cole take him trains to school
    I know Hay, they watch him.
    Mommy, what watch me?

    • sarafraser

      Ah, it’s a beautiful thing. You know the little arse has started taking four to school? Jed refuses to argue with him. Also, he’s telling everyone that, “mommy pees out her bottom.” D:

  10. Jonathan

    I love the picture of you. It screams *barely contained insanity.*

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