Friends, we need to have a little grocery-store-etiquette review. Today, I braved Wal-Mart (judge me; it feels good) for cheapo Christmas dinner food. Grabbing a small turkey and egg nog, I headed to the produce section. There, surrounded by non-organic apples and half-browned bananas, I was reminded that other people suck.
Stop doing this shit:
- Blocking an aisle – Get out of my way. See, the aisles? They’re well big enough for two carts to pass each other. But not if you’re standing in the dead middle, you fuck. Oh, oh, you want to take a few minutes to pick out the perfect can of stewed tomatoes? That’s fine, take as long as you’d like. You can put the cart in front of you. You can leave it behind you. Scootch the cart. That’s it. Just an inch. A little more. I hate you.
- Glaring at my kid – I know it’s hard to understand but parents have to shop, too. And no, I’m not hiring a babysitter so that you can shop in peace. Hear me now: I don’t care if you don’t like children. I don’t care if they annoy you. This is Wal-Mart and children belooooong. Also, I’m doing you a favor, bringing the kid along. If he weren’t here, I’d be far more inclined to get in your face and kindly explain how you can take simple steps to stop being an asshole.
- Hoggin’ a product – Today, a woman stood at the green beans for 15 minutes. I’m not certain how long she was there before I arrived, but I imagine it was a good chunk of time, considering her produce bag was stuffed full of beans and she added approximately one bean to the bag every six and a half seconds. I milled around, waiting for her to move. Got some bananas. Picked up a melon. And then I just stopped. And stared. She pawed every bean in the container before finally closing and twisting her bag. Pure insanity.
- Writing a check – Granted, most of the check writers are oldies. As a general rule, I dig elderly folk. But old people can be dicks, too. Does advanced age = license to annoy everyone? Maybe so, but when I see Gramma at the Fresh Market, writing a check and then balancing her checkbook, I’m overcome with an urge to launch my Greek wrap at her perfectly coiffed hair. What? WHAT? It wouldn’t even hurt.
- Hijacking my cart – This only happens at Publix, and Publix is a different kind of of grocery store. Yes, teenage boy, I realize that this is part of your job, but no, teenage boy, you may not take my cart to my car. I’m an able-bodied (hahaha) woman. I do have a kid, yeah, but it doesn’t damper my ability to push a cart 20 yards. Even in the rain. Also, it’s awkward. What do I say to you? Do you follow me? Do I walk beside you? I can’t handle it.
I’m not pissed off. I just write that way.