Grocery Store Etiquette: Learn It.

Friends, we need to have a little grocery-store-etiquette review. Today, I braved Wal-Mart (judge me; it feels good) for cheapo Christmas dinner food. Grabbing a small turkey and egg nog, I headed to the produce section. There, surrounded by non-organic apples and half-browned bananas, I was reminded that other people suck.

Stop doing this shit:

  1. Blocking an aisle – Get out of my way. See, the aisles? They’re well big enough for two carts to pass each other. But not if you’re standing in the dead middle, you fuck. Oh, oh, you want to take a few minutes to pick out the perfect can of stewed tomatoes? That’s fine, take as long as you’d like. You can put the cart in front of you. You can leave it behind you. Scootch the cart. That’s it. Just an inch. A little more. I hate you.
  2. Glaring at my kid – I know it’s hard to understand but parents have to shop, too. And no, I’m not hiring a babysitter so that you can shop in peace. Hear me now: I don’t care if you don’t like children. I don’t care if they annoy you. This is Wal-Mart and children belooooong. Also, I’m doing you a favor, bringing the kid along. If he weren’t here, I’d be far more inclined to get in your face and kindly explain how you can take simple steps to stop being an asshole.
  3. Hoggin’ a product – Today, a woman stood at the green beans for 15 minutes. I’m not certain how long she was there before I arrived, but I imagine it was a good chunk of time, considering her produce bag was stuffed full of beans and she added approximately one bean to the bag every six and a half seconds. I milled around, waiting for her to move. Got some bananas. Picked up a melon. And then I just stopped. And stared. She pawed every bean in the container before finally closing and twisting her bag. Pure insanity.
  4. Writing a check – Granted, most of the check writers are oldies. As a general rule, I dig elderly folk. But old people can be dicks, too. Does advanced age = license to annoy everyone? Maybe so, but when I see Gramma at the Fresh Market, writing a check and then balancing her checkbook, I’m overcome with an urge to launch my Greek wrap at her perfectly coiffed hair. What? WHAT? It wouldn’t even hurt.
  5. Hijacking my cart – This only happens at Publix, and Publix is a different kind of of grocery store. Yes, teenage boy, I realize that this is part of your job, but no, teenage boy, you may not take my cart to my car. I’m an able-bodied (hahaha) woman. I do have a kid, yeah, but it doesn’t damper my ability to push a cart 20 yards. Even in the rain. Also, it’s awkward. What do I say to you? Do you follow me? Do I walk beside you? I can’t handle it.

I’m not pissed off. I just write that way.

Grocery Store Assholes

Beans: Not a Crucial Life Decision

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10 Comments

Filed under Utterly Random

10 responses to “Grocery Store Etiquette: Learn It.

  1. Isn’t it nice to have a blog in which to excoriate people who bug you during the day? It must be awfully cathartic. 🙂

    And I long since ceased caring about other people giving me looks ’cause my kids touch EVERYTHING! Piss off, dudes. That’s what kids do.

    Wow. That was cathartic. Should I write you a check for the therapy?

    Oh, and merry Christmas to you and yours, good lady. 🙂

  2. Aimes

    I bitch vicariously through you. Mah hero.

  3. Dan

    Smiled all the way through the blog. You write the things we all want say to but are just too timid. Nice.

  4. sarafraser

    @Simon – It’s cathartic, yes. Would be better if I could read it over the Wal Mart loudspeaker. Alas.

    @Memes – It’s a calling.

    @Dan – Eh, I can articulate annoyance. 🙂

  5. Dude, we are totally in sync. It’s like you plugged into my mind. I don’t know why I ever go to Walmart. HATE that place. And yet, every time I go, I think, motherofgodI’mabouttobeoneofthosePeopleofWalmart because, yes…I always dress down when I go to Walmart. If it doesn’t look like pajamas, I’m way overdressed. And still, even with a torn t-shirt and holyshitthosearetight trackie bottoms, I feel rather posh because I’m not toting a goat.

    • sarafraser

      I hate that place too but it’s so goddamn cheap I can’t avoid it. And likewise, when I go, I take full advantage of the dress code. Sweatpants? Check. Crocs? You’re damn right.

  6. Dear Miss Sara

    A friend told me about this “blog”. I’d like to apologize for taking too long at the green beans, but I was told the only good ones have three peas in them, no more, no less. That takes time. And you could have just politely asked me to move my cart. I didn’t realize it was in your way. Shoving it into the passion fruit was uncalled for.

    As for writing a check, it takes me longer because I’m still recovering from the cataract surgery, you know. Calling me names did not help me write faster.

    Sincerely,

    Agnes Fettersnot

    (Just kidding. LOL Loved your blog. Oh and I totally plan to use the “Writing Prompt” excuse in my own blog. Merry Christmas.)

    Melanie

    • sarafraser

      Hahahaha. I was like, “shit.” Because you know I totally took a picture of the bean lady and sent it all my friends. I did. With a mean caption. And yeah, man, use the ‘prompt’ — it can excuse all kinds of mad, random ranting.

  7. Oh. My. God. I just had this experience at Dunkin’ Donuts. I run in to grab a donut, trying to make it back to my office which is 10 mins away in the 9 minutes left in my lunch break. The couple in front of me orders 3 donuts. Then noticing the price break, they change to a box of 12. Chocolate frosted.. no Strawberry frosted. Not the one with sprinkles though. Maybe just Coconut instead. Toasted Coconut or regular Coconut.

    @)#($)#$(@#)(@)!!!!! COCONUT AND GET A JOB!!!!

  8. Karen

    K- First of all. I fucking hate old people. I hate ’em. You’re over 60 – I hate you and all you do. I can’t bare that you can dig anything they accomplish ever.
    Second – I friggin love the teenage zac efrons at Publix. I want them to walk me out when I have Hayden, when I don’t. When I have to bags when I have ten. I want to invite them home with me and help me take my groceries up the stairs. They help me out we chat about what highschool they go to and they help Hayden drive the car. I love ’em I just do.

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