Stop Pretending to Like Pears

I’m a fruit segregationist, and I hate pears. Not only should they be kept in a separate drawer of the refrigerator, it’s perfectly OK if you want to skip that step altogether and toss your pear in the compost pile. Really, it’s a better fate for all involved. The pear can face a dignified demise, certainly a better way to go than being tossed, two bites missing, into the trash bin. And you don’t have to suffer through the obligatory nibble before shoving the uneaten pear down the disposal.

 

Buddha Pears

Don't Eat It. Make a Buddha.

Pears are the ugly friend of the fruit clique. The thing with pears, though, is that they think they’re pretty. Listen, Pear, if banana is Meagan Fox, you’re Lady Gaga. Yeah, you heard me. Put on your I’m-so-hip-and-Warhol-woulda-loved-me clothes but know this, Pear: At the end of the night, I’m taking home the sweet, skinny, smooth fruit. I’m gonna unpeel her, run my hands all over her yellow smoothness, and eat every.single.bite. But you, pear… It’s probably best if you get in the car with the guy wearing Ed Hardy.

Pears are cocky motherfuckers, too. They hang out with the apples, acting like they taste as crisp. Pretending that they give a spirited crunch. I’ve bitten into a pear, thinking it was an apple, and met with bitter disgust. Have you ever run your fingers over a pear’s skin? It’s rough, like fruit sandpaper, and littered with raised pear warts.

And then, you have the pear lovers. Now, pretty much anyone that gets excited about fruit is suspect. But the pear lovers are a strange, lying bunch. I’ll express my disdain for the fruit and inevitably, a pear-sympathizing jerkface speaks up in the fruit’s defense.

Me: Goddamn, I hate pears
Pear Lover: Oh, did you just eat one?
Me: No, I was just thinking about how disgusting they are.
Pear Lover:
I love pears!
Me: But the texture is, you know, gross.
Pear Lover: Noooo, I think it’s nice. It’s interesting and different. Mmm. I just love pears.

Christ, stop lying. You don’t love pears. No one loves a semi-sweet, gritty, rough-skinned fruit. I know you want to seem interesting, maybe even mysterious. If that’s the look you’re going for, pick up a passionfruit. Or some pomagranate seeds. You’ll look just remarkable. Or, maybe you’re trying to be Ghandi, loving the unloved, reaching out a compassionate hand. Let me remind you: Fruit does not have feelings. Go adopt a puppy or feed a feral cat. No one buys your pear-loving façade. I bet you pretend to like raisins too.

 

The Perfect Pear

JK, Pear. No Hard Feelings, Right?

This was done for a writing prompt — I don’t hate pears (much).

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21 Comments

Filed under food

21 responses to “Stop Pretending to Like Pears

  1. I was wondering why the diatribe. But writing prompt makes sense. 🙂

    That said, when pears go all mealy it sux. Big time. Plus, they go off really fast when you put ’em with the apples, then get brown and smooshy on one side.

    But I don’t hate ’em. I couldn’t hate a fruit that goes so well with gorgonzola cheese…

    • sarafraser

      It was a writing prompt, but it was just so simple, because pears do suck this hard. Apples. Pick apples instead. Lovely with cheese, even gorgonzola.

  2. This is amazing. WHO THE FUCK LIKES PEARS?! Although, I must admit.. reading this post made me absolutely want to go buy a pear for a snack. I wrote a post like this about Jello once, and I wish I had known that I could have blamed it on a “writing prompt” because quite a few ppl think I’m clinically insane for that post now.

    • sarafraser

      Oh, I’d like to find this Jell0-O post. I likewise hate the stuff. Who wants to eat a food that jiggles? I blame all insanity on prompts. It works.

  3. Dan

    I choose to ignore rather then hate. I’m betting before I read your blog it had been at least a decade since a pear has crossed my mind. So here is the question, if you don’t think about them, do they really exist?

  4. While I did not buy a pear at lunch today, I did take a picture of an inappropriate apple and I plan to write about it tonight. I will link to your “prompt” 🙂

    Here’s the ridiculous jello post link:http://workinonaramp.com/2009/08/27/excuse-me-jello-no-awkwardness-allowed/

    • sarafraser

      There’s no better post than a ridiculous one. People take themselves far too seriously. Jell-O, pears, Joe Lieberman (sp?) — ridiculous and important for amusement.

  5. Godddddddddddddddddddd. I love me some pears.

    But I effing HATE raisins. Into the compost, you dirty wrinkled motherfuckers.

  6. Sarah

    Sara my love, you left out my number one reason to hate pears! I despise the fact that people use a disgusting pear to describe the shape of a women’s body. It’s offensive on two levels – you’re saying she’s little on top and big on the bottom and you’re comparing her to a nasty nasty fruit.

    I just don’t understand why people use fruit as women’s body descriptions – have you seen that commercial for the guy shopping for lingerie for his girlfriend but he doesn’t know her bra size and they tell him to imagine a fruit? Are they apple, canteloupe or watermelon sized? WTF?

    That said, my favorite scent Bath & BodyWorks ever did was Pearberry…go figure…

    • sarafraser

      You are totally correct. Perhaps if mens’ bodies were compared to, say, vegetables … Are you a zucchini or a squash? Tomato or eggplant?

      😉

  7. Aimes

    I heart pears, damn it. Don’t doubt.

  8. Aimes

    I love the crunch, the seedy taste and the contrast of the dull texture of the skin against my teeth. And fuck! They taste amazing.

  9. jed

    Tinned pears in thick sweet syrup with condensed milk……mmmm heavun

  10. cheri

    I like pears. My 2nd favorite Jelly Belly is “juicy pear”. And it’s not cuz I have fruit sympathy. They are good.

  11. This is awesome. I found it googling “pears suck.” Since I just bought some since I’m trying to eat better, and hey– they were cheap. Now I know why they were cheap. Talk about blah. I’ve had bad apples that tasted much better.

  12. dave

    Nice. I hate pears too.

  13. Joe S.

    This offends me…..I was googling why people don’t like pears and started reading this one-sided article. This article shocked me. I’m not trying to impress anyone by eating a pear….I’ll eat a pear by myself. They’re delicious! I had no idea that people thought this about pears and i feel like if you don’t like pears then you haven’t tasted a good one.

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