Lullabye, Ya Little Con Artist

Bedtime stinks. I mean, there are no tantrums, no tears, no shrieking. It just takes forever and while I’m working on being present in the moment, it’s tiresome. We brush our teeth, we read some books, we chat about snakes and bugs and junk, we hug, we snuggle, we kiss — now it’s time to sleepy sleep. Why? Because that’s what people do.

The Kaiser? He doesn’t get it. And I’m pretty sure he doesn’t really much identify with human beings in general, so why would he ever comply with an activity as mundane as sleeping? He’s also confused about the difference between naps and bedtime, which makes ZERO sense. I mean, dude, you take a nap during the day. It’s a short rest. And night? Well, you go to bed at night. When it’s dark outside. For a while, I thought he was just weird. Now, I’m certain he’s totally screwing with me. Like when he tells me he has nightmares, right? I’m understandably upset. Why would my child think of anything other than rainbows and puppies and junk during his sweet slumber? So I question him on it, and he starts making crap up. He talks about witches. And then he laughs. I ask, “Are you lying?” He laughs. He’s lying. He’s lyiiiiiing.

Anyhoo. Yeah, blog starts…..NOW:

8:05pm – The Husband turns off the TV. I tell the Kaiser it’s time for bed. He decides he has to poop. Again.

8:07pm – Amidst sporadic, contrived grunts, the Kaiser rolls his train across the kitchen floor. I put a cup in the dishwasher.

8:10pm – I ask the Kaiser if he’s done. He ignores me and continues to roll his train.

8:11pm – Back and forth. Glance at mommy. Grunt. Back and forth.

8:15pm – After weighing my “No train in bed” threat, the Kaiser skips to the stairs

8:16-8:18pm – We race from the bottom of the stairs to the top. Then down the hall.

8:19pm – The Kaiser brushes his teeth with his Thomas the Tank Engine toothbrush. It sings. Loudly. He sings along.

8:24pm – We feed Charmet, the fish. One pellet at a time. Until all four are eaten and the Kaiser has hugged the fish tank. Twice.

8:26pm – I read three poems, one Christmas book and a Thomas the Train story.

8:35pm – The Kaiser asks for water.

8:36pm – The Kaiser spills the water all over pajamas.

8:37pm – I change his pajamas.

8:38pm – “Mommy, I hafta pee.”

8:42pm – I lie on the bed and watch him standing at the toilet. He sways, he hums. He does not pee.

8:45pm – After another sip of water I tuck him in. Again. He asks for another hug. Done.

8:46pm – I go downstairs.

8:47pm – “Mooooooommy!”

8:47pm – I yell up the stairs, “Dude. Go to bed.”

8:49pm – “Mooooooommy!”

8:50pm – I glare at the Husband. “Your turn.”

8:52pm – Husband returns from the Kaiser’s room. Kid had lost his train wheel. It was under his pillow.

9pm – “Moooooooommy!”

9pm – I hug him. Again.

9:20pm – “Mommy?”

9:20pm – I hug him. Again.

9:32pm – “Mommy!”

9:32pm – I hug him. Again.

9:40pm (Current time) – “Mommy?”

9:40pm (Current time) – I close the computer. I hug him. Again.



Filed under Preschool, Raising Kids

6 responses to “Lullabye, Ya Little Con Artist

  1. It’s the nap that’s killing you, y’know. We’ve seen the “I hafta pee” thing, the “I hafta poop” thing, the “I hafta tell you something” thing, the “[Daughter1] is playing with the curtains again” thing, the “what are you watching?” thing, and a whole buncha other things. Skipping the nap makes a lot of “things” go away.

    This, of course, may or may not be possible with you.

    And the water on the pajamas thing is pretty standard, really, isn’t it?

    • sarafraser

      They make him nap at school (although, i think he just stares at the ceiling for two hours). :/ I’d prefer to skip it, and we do on the weekends.

  2. Dan Whipkey

    I hate the wheels fall off the train.

  3. Carla

    Pahaha. I love the little stinker. You should do a bedtime dialogue of the crazy shit he says…..chicken fingers for lunch every day…..we have to give the train back to Colin tomorrow…Mommy, I’m lonely…..LOL

    I love you both!

    • sarafraser

      LOL. He still has Colin’s train. We miss and love you too, Miss Cahla. We went for Joetang’s birthday dinner tonight; Cole asked about you. Often. I told him you’re coming to visit in December and he’s ecstatic.

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