What Does God Do? (I haven’t the foggiest idea.)

Whether it’s to you, at you, about you – preschool chat is fascinating. Over the past few weeks, the Kaiser has been saying some weird shit. Asking hard questions. Telling me what’s what.

  • “Mommy, you have no idea.” – I liked this one so much, I used it as a FB status. He wasn’t referring to a specific incident of mommy stupidity, but rather a general observation. Zing.
  • “You think Santa likes juice?” – He hits me with this on the car ride home today. I responded in the affirmative. He giggled maniacally the rest of the way home. “Huhhuhhee. Santa likes juice. Hehuhhhee.”
  • “Good Gracious. [Pause] Is that a bad word?” – I say this often. And variants, “good grief,” “good gosh,” etc., etc. Often. I’m trying to lay off the cursing. I am. Not because I think these are horrific words, but because I don’t want to have to explain to friends and my mother that the kid was kicked out of preschool for telling another child to kindly shut the fuck up.

Today, though, he asked me the big one. The biggest one. OK, other than the questions about babies and vaginas and stuff – this is huge. We were getting ready to take a bath. He sits on my lap. I take of his shoes. He leans back against me. And then. And then….

“What does God do?”


“But what does God do?”

“Uhhh. Well, God might do lotsa things. What do you think God does?”

“He has strong hands.” The Kaiser holds his hands out.

“Mmm. What else does God do?” I stand him up and take off his pants.

He shrugs. “I don’t know. Is God nice?”

“Yeah.” I pull his shirt over his head. “I think God’s probably nice. People think different things about God, Coley. I don’t really know.”

Conversation over. He wants to get in the bath. He forgets about metaphysics. For now.


If your religion doesn't make you feel good to be alive, what the hell is the point of it? -TR

But honestly? I dunno, Kaiser. I don’t know anything about God. I don’t think I believe in anything your preschool teacher calls God. And a lot of people think I might be doing you a lot of harm by not, like, raising you in a church. Sorry, pal. You got a confused Buddhist for a mother. But I won’t lie to you. And if you ever find out what God does, lemme know. I’ll listen.



Filed under Raising Kids, Religion

9 responses to “What Does God Do? (I haven’t the foggiest idea.)

  1. Dan Whipkey

    While Santa likes juice..God likes Gin and juice.

  2. I don’t think it’s wrong to raise a kid without having them ever enter a church. I wrote about it even. http://quirkyblogger.com/2008/05/14/why-im-raising-my-kids-in-a-faithless-but-not-godless-home/

  3. Bill

    God maintains the beautiful Carolina blue sky and keeps the Cubs from winning the World Series. Busy; being that God.

    • sarafraser

      You know, I haven’t seen the sun shine in like a week. :-/ Also, are the Cubs a team that never wins? I don’t know. Sports. Confusing.

  4. AD

    OK so I’m thinking they sang “He’s got the whole world in his hands” at preschool. It’s heavy
    and requires strong hands. AD

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