Alright, I know – Some of you don’t like to read shit stories. If you’re one of those unnamed, easily-offended people, just don’t read it, alright? I don’t want to offend your delicate sensibilities. Mostly I don’t want to hear you bitch. 🙂 So long as my life is dominated by poop, or the lack thereof, I’m gonna write about it. It’s my PLEASURE.
So the Kaiser refuses to use the toilet. Yeah, still. I know. (I KNOW.) The kid is officially three-and-a-half and it’s time to learn to take a shit like a normal person. By normal, I mean on the pot. In the bathroom. Not in a Pull-Up.
The husband decides to take it to the next level without consulting me. This is fine, but I am brilliant. And I am a mother. And I know the Kaiser has an ability to bullshit, finagle and manipulate in a way I’m not sure my life partner has ever seen. Also, it’s easy to make the rules when you don’t have to be the one to enforce them.
So he explains that from here on out, if the Kaiser doesn’t at least try to go in the toilet, we’re gonna take away a train. Bad idea, but I kept my mouth shut. I shot him a, “Dude, shouldn’t we have discussed this strategy?” look but I did not say a word. I know what you’re thinking. I swear to BUDDHA I didn’t even make a snide gesture. We believe strongly in the United Front. It’s us vs. the Kaiser. And the Kaiser is smarter.
And yes. Again, the kid has outsmarted us. By us, I mean the husband. Because the child figured out that so long as he offers even the slightest show of “trying,” — the parents can’t do jack. Tonight, he runs to the bathroom and the husband, excited, follows him in.
“Awesome, Cole. I know you can do it.”
I snicker in the kitchen.
“You can do it. Just push. You can do it.”
Poor, naïve husband.
“What? That’s it? Don’t you want to try a little longer?”
The boys emerge from the bathroom. The Kaiser looks triumphant.
“Mommy. I tried! You no take my train, right? I triiiiied.”
I nod. The Kaiser frolicks (y’all, he totally frolicked) into the playroom. The husband shakes his head.
“He’s not really trying, is he?”
“Mmmmm. No.” I smile.
The Kaiser, 1. United Front, 0.