Outsmarted. Again.

Lose.

Lose.

Alright, I know – Some of you don’t like to read shit stories. If you’re one of those unnamed, easily-offended people, just don’t read it, alright? I don’t want to offend your delicate sensibilities. Mostly I don’t want to hear you bitch. 🙂 So long as my life is dominated by poop, or the lack thereof, I’m gonna write about it. It’s my PLEASURE.

So the Kaiser refuses to use the toilet. Yeah, still. I know. (I KNOW.) The kid is officially three-and-a-half and it’s time to learn to take a shit like a normal person. By normal, I mean on the pot. In the bathroom. Not in a Pull-Up.

The husband decides to take it to the next level without consulting me. This is fine, but I am brilliant. And I am a mother. And I know the Kaiser has an ability to bullshit, finagle and manipulate in a way I’m not sure my life partner has ever seen. Also, it’s easy to make the rules when you don’t have to be the one to enforce them.

So he explains that from here on out, if the Kaiser doesn’t at least try to go in the toilet, we’re gonna take away a train. Bad idea, but I kept my mouth shut. I shot him a, “Dude, shouldn’t we have discussed this strategy?” look but I did not say a word. I know what you’re thinking. I swear to BUDDHA I didn’t even make a snide gesture. We believe strongly in the United Front. It’s us vs. the Kaiser. And the Kaiser is smarter.

And yes. Again, the kid has outsmarted us. By us, I mean the husband. Because the child figured out that so long as he offers even the slightest show of “trying,” — the parents can’t do jack. Tonight, he runs to the bathroom and the husband, excited, follows him in.

“Awesome, Cole. I know you can do it.”

I snicker in the kitchen.

“You can do it. Just push. You can do it.”

Poor, naïve husband.

“What? That’s it? Don’t you want to try a little longer?”

The boys emerge from the bathroom. The Kaiser looks triumphant.

“Mommy. I tried! You no take my train, right? I triiiiied.”

I nod. The Kaiser frolicks (y’all, he totally frolicked) into the playroom. The husband shakes his head.

“He’s not really trying, is he?”

“Mmmmm. No.” I smile.

The Kaiser, 1. United Front, 0.

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4 Comments

Filed under Preschool, Raising Kids

4 responses to “Outsmarted. Again.

  1. Oh Jed, what happened to the good ole poopcicle challenge? Poop for a Pop!

    • sarafraser

      Dude. I know, right? Positive reinforcement. Ehhh, you know what’ll happen. I won’t follow through on the train removal, Jed will forget and the kid will keep shitting in the playroom. Whaaaaatever.

  2. I feel your pain. Matt was the same age when he finally, finally, FINALLY decided, “Meh. I’ll drop my deuce in the pot. It’s coo.”

    I swear to you, I could tell you all the wild&wacky crap I did to get him to crap in the toilet, but it’s all just sad and wrong and desperate. Finally, a wise, wise woman said to me, “Sweetie, if he still needs a diaper for Prom, *then you worry.”

    I relaxed. I quit worrying about it. (I did not quit hating dealing with poo.) I let the little dude do his thing. One day, we ran out of wipes. Per his normal pooping habit, he came and asked me for a diaper. (He wore underwear the rest of the time because homeskillet had the peeing in the potty DOWN COLD.)

    We were out of wipes. I told Buddha he could either wait ’til we could walk to the store to get more wipes or he could take a chance and poop on the potty. He took the chance, and we’ve never looked back. Thank anything that needs thanking for that miracle.

    Lenna, OTOH, trained herself. We were in WalMart. She wanted Blue’s Clues panties. I told her that panties were for girls who go on the potty. (She was 19 mos old.) Three days later, she came and said, “I get pannies? I poop on potty.” Not so much as a frigging *accident since then. (But Lenna is scary smart. I’m fairly certain by the time she’s 16, I’ll have killed myself from the shame of being constantly outsmarted.)

    Tricia? Well…she’s closer to three than two, and the kid has shown ZERO interest in the potty. I figure I’ll wait her out. If she’s still not trained by kindergarten, then we’ll start taking away trains.

    Um. Sorry for the comment novella. I’ll be going now.

    • sarafraser

      Yay, comment novella! I dig. Truth be told, the Kaiser has a serious constipation issue. Kid has been on decreasing doses of Miralax for like two years. 😦 When he stops taking it, he’ll poop in the toilet — but it hurts. When he takes it, he can actually poo — but it’s like play-doh. Doh. :-/ And now? Now I fear he’s just gonna hold it until he explodes.

      You’re right though. I’ll worry….later? I dunno. It’ll happen. Reeeelaxing.

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