Now, unless you had a father like my own, you probably watched appropriate children’s movie. I sat through The Exorcist and Last House on the Left. I hope you were watching Bedknobs and Broomsticks and Race to Witch Mountain. I really hope you were.
There are a million ways to terrify your children — I offer just five:
- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
The movie is laden with the mauling of obnoxious kiddie assholes (I approve) and jaundiced small people in green overalls (I approve). And yeah, yeah, everyone is freaked by the acid-trip boat ride straight into Wonka’s hellish nightmare. I get it. And that’s scary. But more frightening is the man behind the madness. What the fuck is wrong with Willy Wonka? He’s obviously twisted, doling out these little ethical tests to children. If I were Charlie Bucket, I’d tell the candy-obsessed madman to suckit (a Gobstopper).
Yes, I’m lumping these two Disney horrors together. I don’t like to see animals getting shot, and I don’t like to see animals getting mocked. Gather ‘round, boys and girls and let me impart some real-life truths: Your mom’s gonna die before you, likely in a violent, gun-related incident and your peers are little jerks that will most like taunt you all the way into community college. So solly, little fella.
- Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
A child catcher? No, seriously. Learning about stranger danger is a great lesson. I’m down with that, so long as it taught by cute bunny puppets or McGruff the Crime Dog. This dude is pretty much my worst nightmare, even now. The greasy hair, the big neck bow, the hat askew, the FACE. Terrifying. Net and hook? I’d rather watch Dumbo.
- Pee Wee’s Big Adventure
Two words: Large Marge. She’s terrifying. She’s also dead. As a general rule, truck drivers are creepy. I apologize to my truck-driving audience, but it has to be said: Everyone knows that truck drivers are murderers.
- Watcher in the Woods
Disney, why you do me like that? Alright, first, I’m terrified of the woods. Yeah, like trees. But too many and I’m out. Anything can happen in the forest. Wolves stalking, witches hiding, worms doing whatever it is that worms do. It’s scary, dude. Annnnnd, add in the name spelled backwards (the kid names her dog, Nerak. Yes, that’s Karen backwards.) and I want to scream. It’s Redrum for children. That. Ain’t. Cool.