Scar Your Kid with These Fine Films

Now, unless you had a father like my own, you probably watched appropriate children’s movie. I sat through The Exorcist and Last House on the Left. I hope you were watching Bedknobs and Broomsticks and Race to Witch Mountain. I really hope you were.

There are a million ways to terrify your children — I offer just five:

  1. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
    The movie is laden with the mauling of obnoxious kiddie assholes (I approve) and jaundiced small people in green overalls (I approve). And yeah, yeah, everyone is freaked by the acid-trip boat ride straight into Wonka’s hellish nightmare. I get it. And that’s scary. But more frightening is the man behind the madness. What the fuck is wrong with Willy Wonka? He’s obviously twisted, doling out these little ethical tests to children. If I were Charlie Bucket, I’d tell the candy-obsessed madman to suckit (a Gobstopper).

    Wipe that face off your head, bitch.

    Wipe that face off your head, bitch.

  2. Bambi/Dumbo
    Yes, I’m lumping these two Disney horrors together. I don’t like to see animals getting shot, and I don’t like to see animals getting mocked. Gather ‘round, boys and girls and let me impart some real-life truths: Your mom’s gonna die before you, likely in a violent, gun-related incident and your peers are little jerks that will most like taunt you all the way into community college. So solly, little fella.

    I am CRYING in my coffee. Kudos, Dumbo.

    I am CRYING in my coffee. Kudos, Dumbo.

  3. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
    A child catcher? No, seriously. Learning about stranger danger is a great lesson. I’m down with that, so long as it taught by cute bunny puppets or McGruff the Crime Dog. This dude is pretty much my worst nightmare, even now. The greasy hair, the big neck bow, the hat askew, the FACE. Terrifying. Net and hook? I’d rather watch
    Dumbo.

    Please note the jaunty satin bow.

    Please note the jaunty satin bow.

  4. Pee Wee’s Big Adventure
    Two words: Large Marge. She’s terrifying. She’s also dead. As a general rule, truck drivers are creepy. I apologize to my truck-driving audience, but it has to be said: Everyone knows that truck drivers are murderers.

    OhGodOhGodOhGod.

    OhGodOhGodOhGod.

  5. Watcher in the Woods
    Disney, why you do me like that? Alright, first, I’m terrified of the woods. Yeah, like trees. But too many and I’m out. Anything can happen in the forest. Wolves stalking, witches hiding, worms doing whatever it is that worms do. It’s scary, dude. Annnnnd, add in the name spelled backwards (the kid names her dog, Nerak. Yes, that’s Karen backwards.) and I want to scream. It’s Redrum for children. That. Ain’t. Cool.
Trees = Death. Write that down.

Trees = Death. Write that down.

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20 Comments

Filed under Creepy Kid Stuff

20 responses to “Scar Your Kid with These Fine Films

  1. diana

    Only you could come up with what we have all thought at one time or another!Yes the kid catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang still scares the beegeebees outta me.I have to leave the room when he comes with his lolli pops and net!!!

  2. Jamie Seay

    Um….The Wizard of Oz?

  3. Pee Wee was on Leno the other night..hes as creepy as he has ever been…maybe more.

  4. CWK

    OMG DUMBO!!!!!!!!
    when im feeling especially sad bastard, i like to listen to Baby Mine on loop…forever…and cry a river into my pillow.
    That movie, i think, made me latch onto my mother like no other. I still call her every day, twice a day.

    I never really understood why Willy Wonka was so screwed up. As a kid i was all “oh hey hes cool look at where he lives omg candy heaven runonsentenceofexcitement….Now, if i had kids, id be all, stay away from the candy man…hes a pedo in disguise

  5. Sarah

    Great choices Sara, but you definitely left out one:

    Something Wicked This Way Comes.

    Hmm…let’s team up Disney and Ray freaking Bradbury and scare the bejeezus out of kids with a carousel that will AGE you! And don’t get me started on “Mr. Dark”…I think he’s the cousin of the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

    And for the record – my husband will not get on a carousel to this day…and he’s 33.

  6. Dude. I saw “The Exorcist” when I was 3. It was an accident, but my mother STILL regales people with how badly traumatized I was by that movie. Because I was TRAUMATIZED. I also blame that experience for my ongoing fear of closet monsters.

    Oddly, I didn’t see Bambi or Dumbo until I was an adult. Because my parents had *priorities, you know.

    • sarafraser

      I’m likewise scared of closet monsters. The Kaiser hasn’t noticed it yet, but I close the door of his closet before he goes to bed. To protect him. From said monsters. :-/

      • I will not judge, as I do the exact. same. thing. I also have stuff under the kids’ beds. Because I don’t want the under-the-bed monsters to get them. Or me.

        Therapists love me.

  7. Bill

    I have never seen any Wonka movie, nor Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. However, the book of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was one of my favorites. I still have not seen Witch Mountain all the way through because it was too scary. I have seen The Exorcist, and yes it was scary as hell. Pee Wee didn’t bother me at all. So I guess to sum up, I agree with some, and disagree with others.

    • sarafraser

      What?! Pee Wee didn’t scare you? Duuuuude. She was a GHOST. A truck driving ghost! And the hair? Salt and pepper and all askew. It’s shivery terrifying.

      I don’t really remember Witch Mtn, but for some reason I thought it wasn’t that bad. I’ll rewatch before I show to the kid. 😀

  8. Patrick

    Slightly off topic, but remember Greatest American Hero? Likely my favorite show ever. But remember the one where the dead person is standing by the side of the road and he drives past it. Then again. Then it’s in front of the car. I just got chills writing about it. Luckily I was old enough not to be seriously affected by it.

    But no TV series did more damage to me than Soap. The wounds are too deep to even verbalize. I mean, I was seven, people.

    As far as movies, when the Ewok dies in Empire Strikes Back, that was pretty harsh. Feeling the tears even now.

    • sarafraser

      Ohgod. I have no idea what the Greatest American Hero is. I’m a go google that now. Your description does sound rather terrible. And what? Soap traumatized you? Really? Reaaaally?

      • Patrick

        Whenever I drive in the middle of the night on a dark road, I am 100% sure I will see that dead guy.

        As for Soap, I think it was my first introduction to inscrutable television. Up to then, we had a fine relationship. I understood the jokes ftmp, and it did everything to entertain me. With Soap, I felt betrayed. Obviously not emotionaly scarred. But seriously, I have ugly, weird fellings when I think of the show or see clips.

        I can’t find the episode of TGAH anywhere, and I’m too sick to keep looking right now. Carry on.

      • sarafraser

        Ahahahahaha. I just LOLed a LOT. A 100% sure? Wondrous. You know what show really freaked me out when I was a kid? Roseanne. I found it disconcerting. The mother was just. so. mean. Inscrutable television indeed.

      • Sarah

        Oooh…if we’re adding in TV shows, then I have to put in my #1 choice for screwing up kids o’ the 80’s:

        Unsolved Mysteries.

        I saw an episode once where a soldier was supposed to be picked up at a bus stop by his squadron. He waits and waits and then calls to check on them. They tell him they had already come by and no one was there. He asks the time and his watch is off by 30+ minutes. Naturally the show made the inference that he was abducted by aliens and that accounted for his time loss and absence.

        I dilligently checked the time before getting in the shower and before going to sleep for many years to make sure I wasn’t losing time.

        Damn you Unsolved Mysteries!!!

      • sarafraser

        Mahahaha. I just LOLed at that. Aloud. I agree — Unsolved Mysteries is friggin’ out-of-control scary. Yes.

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