Fear Tactics: Don’t Make Me Wake Him Up

In the spirit of scary kid shit, I offer you this, my friend Karen’s secret parenting tool.

“You’d better stop it or I’m gonna wake him up.” Karen says with raised eyebrows. I look from her to her son, Hayden. He’s frozen on the spot, eyes wide.

Hayden’s hands come to his face. “Mama, no! Arccck. No. ” He yells and takes a step backward. Another step.

“Then stopit.” Karen says matter of factly and turns back to me. “So yeah,” she continues, “I get to work late and as I–.”

“Whoooooa, the fuck no.” I nod at her kid. He’s now playing quietly next to the Kaiser. He rolls his car into the wall. The Kaiser rolls his into a bush. “What did you tell him?” I ask.

“Oh, I told him that I’d wake him up.” She smiles slyly.

“Yeah, I get that. Who? Wake who up?” I demand. She smiles again. “’Him.’ It’s no one. But he thinks there’s a monster in this box on the laundry room shelf.”

I stare at her, horrified, and reach for a cigarette. “Oooooh. Of course.”

“Yeah,” she continues. “I was doing laundry and he was being a pain in the ass. So I shook this cardboard box on the shelf to get his attention. He stopped and asked me if there was a monster in the box. Wasn’t my idea. It was his.”

It's only scary if you believe.

It's only scary if you believe.

“So you confirmed it.” I shake my head, lighting the cigarette. “You’re an evil genius. You’re also gonna give him a complex.”

She laughs. “I know. But it works. Like now, whenever Hayden’s bad, I just mention ‘him’ and ask if I should wake ‘him’ up. Generally stops the problem.”

“Dude. That’s sick.” I say. “It’s twisted. He’s living in fear of, like, a horrible face-eating beast. Living in your laundry room.”

She shakes her head. “Sorta. I mean really, it’s like a shoe box. So the monster is obviously really small. And yeah, he lives in the box, that’s where he sleeps. But the monster goes anywhere. That’s the beauty of it. He’s in the box, right, until I need him. If I call, out he’ll come, materialize and junk. He’s everywhere. He’s nowhere. He sees everything. And, I mean, it’s not real. He’ll figure it out.”

I nod my head slowly. “It’s God in a box.”

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Filed under Creepy Kid Stuff, Raising Kids

15 responses to “Fear Tactics: Don’t Make Me Wake Him Up

  1. O.M.G. that made me laugh out loud!!

    • sarafraser

      Oh, it’s so funny. I mean, it wouldn’t be funny if Hayden weren’t so well adjusted and junk. You think he’s playing us all?

  2. Diana

    Definately gonna cause a complex but really a wonderfully terrible idea!

  3. She’ll be washing his clothes till hes 30, because he’ll never step into a laundry room again.

  4. Karen Schultz

    I don’t abuse it or anything. Just when he is really acting up. But yeah he’s started confirming that I’m not going to wake him up. Saying “You’re not going wake him up Mommy, I was a good boy, you don’t wake him up?” and “He’s not gonna git me Mommy, I’m good” — Heh….

    • sarafraser

      Yeah, dude, I know. And Hayden’s quite well behaved most of the time. But then, I suppose if I feared god or a monster or sadan, well, I’d prolly be well behaved too. o_O

  5. I am so torn right now. On the one hand, this is pure, evil GENIUS. Plus, it works. I’m trying to figure out how to convince my 16 year old that Tide really contains some kind of monster. Maybe then that little rat will do his effing homework.

    On the other hand, all I’m seeing is therapy bills for this kid to overcome the sheer terror of laundry rooms. Which really might not be that big of a deal, I’m thinking. I AM TORN, I TELL YOU.

    Also? This is hilarious. I especially love that Karen came to defend herself (for lack of a better phrase). THAT IS FUCKING AWESOME. I want to live next door to y’all. Wah.

  6. CWK

    this is amazing. it also reminds me of when my little brother was a toddler.
    in the dining room, my mom has these 2 weirdo picasso paintings….little bro stumbled in there one day and was mesmerized by the paintings..wouldnt move at all…i was like WTF ARE YOU DOING WEIRDO? he pointed and said “monster”..
    so whenever he was being an ass, i was like, you want the picture monsters to come see you?
    he straightened up after that

    • sarafraser

      So why is it that I have the child that’s afraid of nothing? No, really. We were in Target last weekend, perusing the Halloween junk. There’s this 6-foot-tall skeletor guy that talks in a creepy voice. Red eyes, creepy suit, yada, the whole scary shebang. Hayden was terrified. The Kaiser shook his hand. I reallyneed to teach him about stranger danger. And undead stranger danger.

  7. Pingback: Fear Tactics: The Elf « Misadventures of a Modern Mommy

  8. Pingback: Ready Errrr Not | Misadventures of a Modern Mommy

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