Toys that Inspire Terror: The Flying Monkey

My husband cannot be trusted to shop. Ever. Send the man to the grocery store for a dozen eggs and some cat food and he comes skulking through the front door an hour and a half later, toting fourteen bags full of fresh basil, curry sauce, spam and buttermilk. So last December, I was understandably apprehensive when he leaves with the Kaiser to Christmas shop and I don’t see them for eleven hours.

Along with a Vidalia Onion Chop Wizard, Fasta Pasta, two Ped Eggs and three ShamWows, the darling also found this, which is worthy of mention in the Creepy Kid Shit series:

Really? Flys? Also, ours has no cape.

Really? Flys? Also, ours has no cape.

First, the creators/packagers/marketing execs for this horrifying toy have no concept of verb conjugation.  Secondly, it’s an atrocious idea. You hook the monkey paws, slingshot style, on your index and middle fingers. You stretch the thing out by its legs. Release. The monkey flies, flipping through the air and lands with a thud. And then—the ghastly screaming ensues. The shrieking (OOOOHEEEEAAAAAOOOOOH) lasts for a really lovely three of four seconds.

Is the monkey supposed to be screaming with terror? I’m not sure what, “Hear Me Scream!” implies. Like, the monkey has a cape (we were robbed of that), so theoretically the monkey should be having a good time. Right? Like a superhero monkey, dashing through the clouds to save a baby from imminent death. His scream does not, however, evoke any sense of gleeful excitement or reckless abandon. It sounds like someone is putting his tail through a meat grinder.

The first time Eleanor heard the painful yelping, she cowered on the couch, head behind a pillow, little legs shaking. The cats? The cats disappear for days when they see the toy appear. I’ve tried hiding it. I’ve thrown the loosey-limbed monkey in the back of the closet, stuffed it under a pillow, tossed it into a filing cabinet. It always comes back.

Resolution: Put monkey in husband’s golf bag and make damn certain the man never sets foot inside an As Seen on TV store again.



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10 responses to “Toys that Inspire Terror: The Flying Monkey

  1. Jed

    Hey Lady,

    I love my chop wizard.

  2. Dan Whipkey

    Make a cape for it..geez.

  3. Tina


    Daniel bought one of these with his own money at the Camp Greenville gift shop! We all love it; but then again, it came with a cape & screams WHEN it flies.

  4. Denise

    Hey I like the flying monkey better than the flippin’ monkey I had a as kid. You wound it up and it flipped and used to scare the hell out of me. Present from Uncle Bill . . . the same guy who’d spit his chew into a 6 oz coca cola bottle, then give it to me to drink.

    • sarafraser

      All this does is verify that I do, in fact, have a whole lotta crazy in my family. I do not recall this Uncle Bill but he sounds like….a weirdo?
      (Also, did the monkey clang cymbals as well? I think I’ve seen these are the are indeed terrifying.)

      • Karen

        I just laughed so loud I screamed a little. I remember when you tried to get us to take it home – pushing the monkey into Hayden’s hands saying ” You like it! Go ahead you can take it, just take it” I, of course, ripping the monkey out of his handes and throwing it back throught the door as it wails “wwwooooooaahaaahaooooo”

  5. sarafraser

    I’m taking the monkey to Goodwill. That is my final resolution.

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