Potty Prayers

I’ll tell you what love is. l’ll tell you what true, unabashed, I’d-do-anything-for-you love is. True love is sitting crossed legged on the half-bathroom’s cold floor, a pair of poopy underpants to your left and a pair of grungy toddler sneakers to your right.

“I need a hug, Momma,” he whispers and I lean in close. We hold each other and he plants a kiss on my eyebrow. “Will you hold me? I keep trying..?” He asks.

I nod, wrap my arms around his back and stare at the white toilet lid. I find myself here often, and it doesn’t get easier. The Kaiser refuses to go until the inevitable accident explodes out of Thomas the Tank underwear and onto the kitchen floor. And then we sit. He strains; I pray.  Now, what I pray for… That depends on the day:

Get comfortable

Get comfortable

… God, please, please help him go. Lord, seriously, lube it up. The kid’s about to bust a vein.

…Buddha, I’m really trying to stay in the present and all, but I surrounded by shitty underwear, toddler sweat and the stench of my utter failure as a mother.

… Uh, Universe? Yeah. Universe? Lookit, I know we have a no-drinking deal going on, but surely a Bud Light is in order for moments like these. No? Kaaaaaay.

… Jesus? Hey, yeah. I’m on the verge of really losing my mind here on the toilet deal, so how’s about you help the kid help me and I’ll take him to Mass every Sunday. Every other Sunday.


It’s a frustrating process for us. But at the end of the day, I have to think that eventually – with a little Miralax, a heap of encouragement, and few more toilet hugs – we’ll work this out.



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10 responses to “Potty Prayers

  1. Tina

    I went through this with Daniel. Ever tried Miralax?

    • sarafraser

      Yes ma’am. He was off it for a while and all was well, and then the stoppage returned. I’m just glad (no, seriously) to know that it’s not just the Kaiser. 😀

  2. Tina

    Ummm. So yeah, guess I missed that last part. Sorry! He will get there I promise! I could tell some stories about Daniel!

  3. Dan Whipkey

    Is there a Saint for that and does he/she have a name?

  4. Dan

    Well Dan I took your challenge and searched for a patron saint of bathrooms, then for urinals….finally when checking for bowel movements I came across the Patron Saint for Bowel Disorders…..who happens to be Saint Bonaventure of Bagnoregio. He is more broadly the Patron Saint of Medical Conditions. He happened to be canonized by Pope Sixtus IV in 1482. This find of course led me to look to see what other Patron Saints there are…..one for Prostitutes and of course a different one for reformed prostitutes…the necessary Patron Saint for Bakers of Holy Wafers….and then I found the Patron Saint of our current president Saint Martin de Porres (bonus points if you can tell me why). I could go on, but I feel like I’ve already worn out my welcome……

  5. Dan

    Ok I can’t stop…..two of my favorite categories….Patron Saint for Unattractive People, of which there are actually two saints and the Patron Saint for Disapointing Children. Yikes, I thought I recognized that one from my Mom’s prayer card. Okay I will close with Saint Valentine of Rome….The Patron Saint for Lovers…..I just like the sound of that!

    • sarafraser

      Man, the Kaiser asks me, “Mommy, you ‘appointed?” I admit, I’ve said yes (like that time he called the teacher stinky, or the time he pronounced to the patrons of Chick-Fil-A that, “Mommy is NOT mah friend.”

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