Goats are awfully handsome creatures, wouldn’t you agree? I’m thinking about getting a goat, a friend who’ll hang out in our large, hill-ish backyard, eat weeds and let the cats sit on his back. I have this glorious vision… The Kaiser plays in the hose, laughing and squealing. A few feet to the left, there’s Ludwig the goat, munching on the dandelions we no longer have to mow. Little Murray Sparkles lounges atop Ludwig, squinting against the sunshine. Ahhhh, gimme dat goat.

Ludwig Pros:

  • Goats are intelligent, loving, loyal animals – This is good because I’d like to talk, snuggle and conspire with Ludwig.
  • Christmas cards – Can you think of anything better for our family Christmas card than a goat, the Kaiser and some Santa hats? I didn’t think so.
  • Pissing off the HOA – Nothing thrills me more than irritating the home owner’s association. Yeah, I have a goat. Bitches.
  • Only unneuterued male goats stink – Come on now, could any animal smell worse than Eleanor Francine Frito Fraser? Nope.
  • They have beards.
  • Break-in deterrent – Really? Wanna break into our house? My goat will eat your soul.

Ludwig Cons:

  • Jed says, “No. Absolutely no goat. No goat. Stop writing about goats.” I have a sneaking suspicion that once he sees Ludwig, he’ll come around to the idea.
  • Pissing off the HOA – OK, OK, I hate the bastards. But, what if they try to, I dunno, sue us or make us move out? Waiiiiit, I think that’s a win.
  • Goat people seem a tad, oh, crazy.
    • Exhibit A: “Because goats are prey animals they always try to hide their feelings. Even when you love them so much it hurts and you just want to make a connection, any connection, but they just stare back at you.”
    • Exhibit B: “Its reward enough to simply sit, for hours, with a pygmy goat in your lap and stare into their eyes while they regurgitate the ingesta from their rumen and ruminate on it.”
    • Exhibit C: “Why not abandon your attempts to promote misaigous thoughts (which means “goat-hating,” if you don’t know ancient Greek) for some popular obsession, like pirates, or ninjas, or sock monkeys, or whatever. Hating goats is just what politicians in DC, Charlottesville, Bay Area, and nationwide, want you to do.”

Conclusion? Goats = Awesome. Goat-loving people = Completely friggin’ mad.



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10 responses to “Goatopia

  1. Dan Whipkey

    You never mentioned in the cons that goats are mean and butt everything. I think its a baaaaaad idea..I had to say it..:)

    • sarafraser

      As you’ll notice in the “Pros” section, goats aren’t mean! Well, as long as they’re not functional male goats. I mean…. OK, I concede. I’ll never get my goat. But let me dream.

  2. Dan

    I fully support the goat concept! Up here in the middle of nowhere the Town Council (yup a body of elected officials), actually hired 5 goats last fall to clean up an empty field….only useful thing that distinguished body did….the goats were a huge hit. People would literally park in the IGA parking lot and go talk to them. I am pro goat.

    • sarafraser

      You know, I tried to find the laws regulating having mah sweet Ludwig chill in the backyard, but I see nothing. Granted, my Googling wasn’t thorough — “goat as pet,” “funny goat,” “goat laws,” “SC goat law,” “SC livestock law.” Ehhh.

  3. The Nige liked goats so much I wrote a poem about it, remember? He also wanted to be a pole dancer.

    My goat vote: YES.

  4. Aimes

    Now I wanna goat.

  5. My husband eats goat.

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