Secret Six: An Anti-mommy Knows Makeup

Whaaaa? You don’t wear makeup? Bah, humbug. What a drag. How mundane. How terribly common. Runways, college campuses, premiers, New York streets and your local Pubix. I’m sick of seeing pale-faced, wavy-haired waifs in non-descript jeans and white t-shirts. It’s a scary near return to the heroin chick of the 90’s, only bland. Washed-out socialites and crusty-lipped celebrities. Moms running about with pony-tailed hair and blotchy skin. Yuck. This isn’t a fashion statement. This isn’t about being brainy or busy or fashionably nonchalant. This, loveweasels, is a catastrophe.

Is ugly the new pretty?

I like glamour. My childhood essentially mandated that I would grow into a makeup fanatic. My mother wore and sold the hell outta Mary Kay. Love the stuff. Granted, she never took it seriously enough to get a horribly tacky pink Cadillac but yes, in my house, Mary Kay was queen. And we were her loyal subjects. From the time I was twelve, I didn’t leave the house without foundation and lip gloss – with my mom’s approval. Indeed, with her insistence.

“Sara, everyone looks better with makeup. Everyone.”

Mom was right. You feel prettier when you’re wearing makeup. You look prettier when you’re wearing makeup. Less is not more. Of course, one can go well overboard by making questionable makeup decisions. It’s obviously necessary to be cautious with blue eye shadow and red lipstick. But experimenting is fun, and more often than not, results in finding something that makes us look absolutely, well, fabulous.

Dita Von Teese, style icon and so, so hawut

And so I present my mother’s timeless tricks:

1) Wash your damn face. Don’t skip because you’re tired or lazy or didn’t (God forbid) wear makeup that day. Wash your face once in the morning, and once at night. Period. And wash well.

2) Use a good toner and moisturizer. It’s really simple, but perhaps not for the lazy amongst us. After you cleanse, use a cotton ball and a decent toner. Follow up with an oil-free moisturizer. Wait ten minutes to put on foundation to let the lotion absorb.

3) Don’t skip the foundation. I dare you to find a pore-clogging foundation in your local Walgreen’s. Can’t be done. These days, most everything you can buy is good for your face, ladies. Foundation generally also contains a sunscreen. Hip hop hoodray. And, it protects your gorgeous visage from pollutants and grime and grossness. Wear it.

4) Battle the tired blehs. Look exhausted from a night up with the baby or a night out with the martinis? Two things to fix this quickly: blush and an eyelash curler. Use a peach-colored blush, and blend with fingers. Put your hairdryer on low and heat the eyelash curler before you use it – your new “I’m fokin’ awake and happy” look will last all day. Yup.

5) Pick an easy shade for everyday wear. Gray eye shadow is neither cool nor warm and works for everyone. All the time. Night or day. Dress it up or down with liner and mascara. Up to you.

6) Lip liner is love. It gives you a supa-polished look and makes your lipstick last through baby kisses, three lattes or an early-morning love fest. I swear it. Just outline your lips and smudge inward. Wear with lipstick or just gloss. Tralalalala, you look gorgeous.

7) Finish with pressed powder. Apply in downward strokes, especially if you’re like my sister and have a rather substantial amount of cheek fur. Powder gives you finish, pulls the look together and keeps the other makeup on and perfectly in place.

Pretty is something you’re born with. But beautiful, that’s an equal-opportunity adjective.


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3 responses to “Secret Six: An Anti-mommy Knows Makeup

  1. Rebel Deb

    Dita von Teese is just a rip-off of Bettie Page. She’s a total poser and reminds me of Puffy, Mr. Rip-Off Supreme! Booo.

    Rebel Deb

  2. Sara Fraser

    So? She still hawut.

  3. La Feroce Bete

    Mary Kay says, “There’s no such thing as an ugly woman, just a lazy one.”

    Blush people!

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