I have only one request this year (aside from the obviously ignored plea that Ann Curry get lost and remain forever missing on Mt. Kilimanjaro):
Please take the millions of holiday sweater wearers that think they’re SO funny and original – and toss them into orbit. Your sleigh can go to space, right? Cause I’ve always kinda pictured you as the real Superman. Like in the event of a meteor hurdling at super-sonic speed toward earth, I imagine that you, Santa, will be the one to save us all by sacrificing yourself and reindeer in a colossal collision to break that meteor into tiny pieces. Can reindeer breathe in space? Do magic reindeer breathe at all?
Back to the more pressing issue. I like the holiday sweaters thing. Well. I did. I liked it a lot. I was really looking forward to sportin’ my sweater at our big office Secret Santa reveal this Friday. I wanted to go to Goodwill, search for something perfectly, horribly tacky. Maybe even throw in a necklace and a big red scrunchie.
It’s now ruined. All my plans. Because I noticed that pretty much everyone in the Western Hemisphere likewise finds it hilarious. All the Christmas party pictures online. They. All. Are. Doing. It.
Tacky sweater parties. Websites devoted to this shit. And the people wearing the sweaters? The parties awash in kitsch? The biggest assholes ever (sorry, you are.) Yuppie hell. Stealing a great idea, wearing ‘em all smugly whilst sipping a Heineken. There’s nothing ironic about wearing super tacky sweater when everyone’s doing it. Right? Especially when the conservatives grab a hold of something. Takes the funny right out. When guys like this are following a trend, I don’t want to be a part of it:
It’s not fair, Santa. How did this fad get stolen by frat houses and WASPs? So very vile. So trite. How did my favorite fashion catastrophe jump the shark? Hijacked by middle-aged moms that once wore these sweaters with earnest joy and snowflake earrings.
Whaaaaa? It just doesn’t make sense. How can everyone be so snarky? Santa, I’m pretty sure these eggnogged assholes are making fun of the little baby Jesus.
Please smite them. Smite them so hard.