Secret Four: An Anti-Mommy is Supremely Careful about Denim

Jeans are great. They’re versatile and comfortable. An essential part of your wardrobe. Wear ‘em to work, wear ‘em to play dates, wear ‘em to dinner. An anti-mommy (ok, any woman) can’t have enough great pairs. How you choose your denim, however, indicates whether you’re fashionable or ridiculous.

I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: All women should be vigilant in choosing the correct jeans. It’s really important, ok? I wouldn’t mention it if I didn’t see hundreds of women in really horrible denim catastrophes. Especially mommies. It’s a widespread fashion catastrophe. And yes, you look fat. And yep, you look like a mom. Follow these simple guidelines and you’ll easily avoid walking around TJ Maxx looking like a douche bag.

1) Try on yo’ pants. No matter what. I don’t care if you’ve bought the same style and size of Levis for the past twenty years. Your body changes. Avoid getting pegged into a certain ‘size number’. You need to try them on. Feel depressed and gross and fat? Avoid the temptation to rush to the register with a sorta-right size and hope for the best. Nope. You go, try the pants. Get a bigger size, but get the ones that fit. Just buy one pair, and be determined, sweet love, that you’ll be a size smaller in two weeks.

2) Find some middle ground. Your jeans should not graze the bottom of your granny bra. I know, I know. High-waisted jeans are fashionable this season. Whatever. I disagree. Now, low-rise can be sexy, but your jeans shouldn’t show your asscrack when you sit Indian-style. No one wants to see your thong. You hear me? Find something that hits your natural waist or falls slightly below.

3) Avoid pleating. They make you look old and fat. Your legs look like stumps. End of story.

4) Watch Your Colors. Stonewash is not acceptable, unless you’re going to an uber-hip 80’s party dressed as Cyndi Lauper. White is chancy. A very miniscule minority of extraordinarily skinny women can wear white jeans. And I’d argue that even these oh-so-lucky ladies run the risk of looking like abominable snowmen. On acid. Black jeans? Ehhh. Yuck. Your jeans should be blue. Not too dark. Not too light. A little worn. You considering a pink or green pair? You’re beyond my help.

5) Boot cut looks good on everyone. Flare does not. Let go of 2001. Let it go, sister. Skinny jeans are only acceptable with four-inch heels or boots worn on the outside of the pant. Got it? While I’m on shoes, could you please let go of the Danskos? I’m so sick of that shit.

6) Length is key. Your jeans shouldn’t get caught under your shoes. But this is a far more forgivable offense than the truly horrifying image of too-short pants. If you’re wearing heels (please?), your hem should be about ½ inch from the floor. Or, visually-speaking, they should rest comfortably on the top of your shoe. See? Good.

And one more, for good measure: