Edward Cullen, Why You Do Me Like That?

I first learned about Twilight on Facebook. Every time I went to search for an irreverent or asinine Bumper Sticker or Flair to give away to a friend (yeah, that’s embarrassing), I’d find thousands of references to this book I’d never heard of. I felt instantaneously too old for social networking sites, and sincerely annoyed that I had no idea who Edward Cullen is.

Twilight Pictures, Images and PhotosPhotobucketPhotobucket

So obviously and dreadfully out of the high school loop, I did what any respectable 20-something does. Google. Wickipedia. IMDB. Stalked a few people. I discovered that Twilight is the rather hackneyed, sexist story of a vampire that loves a girl and there’s some bad guys and yada yada. It reminds me of High School Musical, with a tad more blood, a stupider girls and no Zach Effron.

Am I the only one irritated? The only one appalled by this heinous book, hordes of followers and embarrassing portrayal of vampires? When did the myspace generation get license to bastardize blood-suckers? This. Simply. Will. Not. Do.

You can’t have it, ya Abercrombie-wearing fucks.

You know these kids didn’t see Interview with the Vampire; they certainly didn’t read it. They’ve not been in love with Armand or discussed the implications of a quasi-homosexual relationship between Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise. And I refuse to believe they’ve read Dracula or The Historian.

Hot Aside:


Damn it.

The Twilight series is tailored for teenage girls that have yet to see a dick. While Interview and Dracula appeal(ed) to a more adult audience, this is a movie adapted from a poorly written teenage book series. And it seems a tad zombie-ish to me. A multitude of awkward teenage girls, reading a book about a hot (if annoying) vampire, and making damn certain that the entire online world knows that they want to ‘get bit.’

When did liking vampires become cool? And why, oh why, aren’t their parents replacing this horrible book with a lovingly worn copy of The Vampire Lestat?

Isn’t there something inherently eccentric about vampires? Shouldn’t vampires and those that love ‘em remain misfits? Non-conformists? Call me old-fashioned, but wearing Chloe and wanting to be a vampire ARE mutually exclusive. Shouldn’t these bitches be reading Sweet Valley High or something?

So fuck off, teenage prepsters. Go the mall. Buy a Civic. Study for the PSAT. Or invest in some decent reading. My Facebook sanity depends upon it.



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3 responses to “Edward Cullen, Why You Do Me Like That?

  1. La Feroce Bete

    You wouldn’t say those things if you really knew Edward. Cullen. Vampire. Hottie Biscotti. Gym Shorts.

  2. Annabunnie

    WOW. Good job. I LOVE the “PSAT” comment. =]

    Reb Deb

  3. trickee

    love it! Read all the Twilight books…entertaining fluff, but no depth at ALL. LOVE Anne Rice and have read the vampire chronicles countless times and just about all her other books as well.


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