Donny Osmond Revisited

So I was IMing with Haskew tonight and mentioned that I was reworking my old, “I hate Donny Osmond” blog. Excerpt:

SARAKFRASER [9:24 P.M.]: sounds good
SARAKFRASER [9:24 P.M.]: i’m writing a blog on the top reasons i hate donnie osmond thetigre84 [9:25 P.M.]: puppy love?
SARAKFRASER [9:25 P.M.]: omg. they sung that too?
SARAKFRASER [9:25 P.M.]: reason 6
thetigre84 [9:25 P.M.]: hahahahaha
SARAKFRASER [9:26 P.M.]: ugh
SARAKFRASER [9:26 P.M.]: hate
thetigre84 [9:28 P.M.]: what are the other reasons?
SARAKFRASER [9:29 P.M.]: oh, they’re numerous.
SARAKFRASER [9:29 P.M.]: he’s not a little rock and roll.
SARAKFRASER [9:29 P.M.]: his talk show stunk.
SARAKFRASER [9:29 P.M.]: he should have never been on my entertainment tonight SARAKFRASER [9:29 P.M.]: he’s never been to rehab
SARAKFRASER [9:29 P.M.]: he’s a mormon.
SARAKFRASER [9:29 P.M.]: he’s creepy
thetigre84 [9:30 P.M.]: i was going to ask if mormon was on there.
thetigre84 [9:30 P.M.]: what made us decide to lash out against said osmond?
SARAKFRASER [9:30 P.M.]: eh, i don’t know
SARAKFRASER [9:30 P.M.]: it’s been simmering for a while.
SARAKFRASER [9:31 P.M.]: so i grabbed a diet coke, ignored prague, and began the tirade. it’s cathartic.
thetigre84 [9:31 P.M.]: you sit at your cube and think about why you hate him, don’t you?thetigre84 [9:31 P.M.]: all day
SARAKFRASER [9:31 P.M.]: sometimes.
SARAKFRASER [9:31 P.M.]: don’t you?
thetigre84 [9:31 P.M.]: hahaha
thetigre84 [9:32 P.M.]: not so much
thetigre84 [9:32 P.M.]: mostly i think about how much i hate our damn internet
SARAKFRASER [9:32 P.M.]: Yeah? Wow, that’s mundane, buddy
thetigre84 [9:33 P.M.]: i know. not very exciting. and sometimes i read tv gossip
thetigre84 [9:33 P.M.]: i try not to think angsty thoughts because i don’t want to frighten you.
SARAKFRASER [9:33 P.M.]: that’s a good idea
SARAKFRASER [9:33 P.M.]: i’m easily influence by glares
thetigre84 [9:34 P.M.]: i think so

I didn’t grow up with Donny Osmond, alright? I don’t like him. I don’t like him one bit. Honestly, it’s equal parts disdain and “I-don’t-get-it” weirdness. And his sister, oh sweet mother of Siddhartha. I see her on the Nutri-System commercials, eating a bowl of microwaved sick, and I want to flinge myself through the sliding glass door. But I’m fair. Sorta. Ha. So let’s at least Wickipedia the fucker to get some sort of fair and unbiased analysis.

Donald Clark “Donny” Osmond (born December 9, 1957) is an American entertainer. He is a singer, musician, actor and former teen idol. Osmond has also been a talk show and game show host, record producer, race car driver and author. He is known for being half of the brother-sister singing act Donny & Marie and a member of the “Osmond Brothers” singing group.

There you go. And so, I present you with the:

Top Ten Reasons that Donny Osmond is a Tool:

1) He’s not a little bit rock and roll. He is a creep.
2) He’s Mormon.
3) “The Donny and Marie Talk Show.” I thought they were married; that’s how creepy they are. It’s utterly disturbing.
4) His sister can’t dance. And I think her little “passing out” episode was a total fake.
5) He’s never been to rehab. Creepster.
6) “Little Johnny Jones,” which was a dismal failure. Broadway fail, Osmond.
6) “Puppy Love.” Dis.Gus.Ting.
7) The play-by-plays on “Dancing with the Stars” that Donny provided on Entertainment Tonight made NO sense. And he sucks.
8) Oprah’s Osmond Family Reunion = Definition of hell. Sartre, you got it all wrong, buddy.
9) I don’t like his name. Donnie ends in “ie,” not “y.”
10) Who trusts a guy that you’ve never seen drunk? Not this blogger.

“So what’s the point?” you may ask. There’s no point. Well, not really. All I ask is that Donny stays the fuck off my Entertainment Tonight.



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2 responses to “Donny Osmond Revisited

  1. La Feroce Bete

    11. Donny Osmond eats his own poop.

  2. Annabunnie

    Hey! This was so funny that I reprinted it on the Rebel Deb blog. I hope that’s okay? I accredited you and our “secrets of the Anti-Mommy” blog and everything. =]

    Reb Deb

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