I don’t talk to my best friend as much as I’d like these days. See, Aubrey and her mom, Lucky, are starting a cake business; her days are full of chocolate pound cakes, butter cream icing and intricate fondant. Friday through Sunday, though, Aubs works at a local (and very large) company, a job she’s not particularly fond of, to pay the bills until the cake making does. So during those times, she’s my hostage, essentially. My willing, able (if irritated) email hostage. She’s not doing what she loves, and welcomes (or at least tolerates) my email distractions. Which I, of course, adore. Like tonight, when my darling husband has gone to the pub for a drink and I’m stuck at home with no blog ideas, a six-pack of Heineken and brain full of evil. And take advantage of Aubrey’s situation, I do, sometimes to a fault.
Below, you’ll find a word-for-word email exchange with Aubs.
Brief background: A friend mutual friend calls me. Irritated that Aubs doesn’t want to hang out. Truth is, this lovely friend (who we DO love) has four kids, and a job. She always wants to hang at unconventional, and often inconvenient times. She’s thinks though, that Aubrey’s, “I don’t want to drink tonight” (Twice now in a week — holy shit) is an indication of some weird, Christian-driven, purposeful abstinence.
Friend in question says to me, via phone, as I’m on my way to get Cole from preschool, “Now, I mean. Like I know, we all try to walk the ‘right’ path. I’ve gone through my “stages” too. Like, living by the Word. And what does that get you? Nothing. Life’s still gonna happen. (Long pause as I try to find the words to defends Aubs’ recent abstinence) Sara, does she hate me?”
I get home, and make Cole dinner. In the process, Aubrey and I began the following email discussion, regarding the recent cell phone drive by:
Aubrey: What’s her deal? She’s getting on my nerves.
Me: I dunno. Jesus. Jesus and you. What you doing tonight?
Aubrey: I think I’m gonna go to parents’ house, eat some left-overs, and watch tv.I can’t think of anything I’d rather do, except maybe read a devotional, sit in the church parking lot, write a hymn, conjure disciples, memorize the Nicene creed, or drink holy water until I puke.
Me: I was thinking that you and I could head over to Redemption World Outreach Center, maybe take Cole with us. Go through the book of Job, perhaps pray aloud, I dunno. I’d kinda like Cole to go ahead and memorize the books of the New Testament, get a head start on his Sunday school class. And afterwards, we could head to Coffee Underground for some Christian fellowship and sponge cake.
I’m just saying
Aubrey: You know I was thinking. We should probably strategically drop some pamphlets in (insert friend’s name)’s neighborhood. Nothing quite says backslider like a 3 page tract
Me: Oh my god. Write this stuff down. I’m serious.
Nothing says “the love of God,” like a snarkily-placed Bible Verse.
Aubrey: I think I’ll take up the 3 chord guitar and the art of story singing/talking.
Me: Um, in the style of all Young Life counselors? You promise me? Because if you’re serious, I can commit to learning how to play the tambourine soulfully and sing a smiling harmony to “Our God is an Awesome God.”
Aubrey: If we’re serious, and I am, we can’t forget interpretive dance. I’ve already got a black turtleneck!
Me: Um, I’ve had my turtleneck ready for years..Just waiting, with muted hope, in the far reaches of my closet, to be put to a good, and Godly purpose.
I’m your girl
Aubrey: I hope you don’t mind, but I ordered a kit on the internet and am having it sent to your house. Keep an eye out for: “Fundraising for the Lord: the art of a successful carwash.”
Hello Sara,Your friend, Aubrey considered the following articleinteresting and wanted to send it to you:Organizing a Youth Group Car Wash Fundraiser; Strategies Considered
By Lance Winslow
Many groups have carwash fundraisers to raise money and get the funds they need to run their nonprofit group. Carwash fundraisers are fun and a very popular fundraiser to do. However, it is very important to stay organized in a car wash fundraiser.http://ezinearticles.com/?Organizing-a-Youth-Group-Car-Wash-Fundraiser;-Strategies-Considered&id=321368
Message from Aubrey, attached: Just in case your mailman hates God.
Me: You do realize that this is my next blog? Yes? Ok.
Aubrey: Blog on sister. But be careful, It’s a fine line between funny and blasphemy and I don’t want to have to send your email in eternity to firstname.lastname@example.org
I could eat a chili dog.
Me: True. It’s a fine line to walk, between praising Jesus and getting blog hits. Trust me, I’ll be careful. The flames of hell forever nippin’ at my thong.
Um, I hope that pork is in-line with your at-will fasting for Jesus. And if so, by all means, eat that chili dog. With relish.
Aubrey: Thank you, Barabbas, it’s the main ingredient
Me: Listen up, ya fokkin’ heathen. I don’t believe you for a second. How long you been fastin’ for the holy spirit? Have you even READ your devotional today? It’s only a paragraph and a two-line scripture, Aubrey. If you’d read it, which I obviously did, you’d know it was all about sacrifice. Hello, 40-day fast? I bet Jesus woulda loved a chili dog in the wilderness. A foot-long piece of processed pork, sweet ketchup, diced onions and canned chili. Know what he got instead? He got Satan.
You think about that while you stuff that breaded wonder in your sinful mouth.
Aubrey: Lamb in a thicket, Sara. Why’d you have to go and ruin it for me?
Me: I’m sorry, pal. But this is why you Protestants have accountability partners. Imagine telling that sin to a priest, who winced at your every hotdog-lovin word? Now wouldn’t you rather just tell me?
So have your chili dog. But don’t enjoy it. And for decency’s sake, eat it in the kitchen, standing over the cooling hotdog water, whilst your read your devotional…after the fact.
Aubrey: You can’t convince me chili dogs are a sin. That’s just what Satan wants me to believe. I will not allow you to be his pawn.
Aubrey: I’m goin’ to checkers. The last time they judged anyone, Chick-Fil-A raped them up the ass with fried chicken tender.
Me: Chic-Fil-A is hardcore, indeed. Perhaps you should think of a part-time job with them, while CakeSquared gets off the ground, as opposed to working in a job that allows you such ample sinning time.